Black Death is the New Black
Alors, so it has come to this. The ultimate fashion statement is sweeping Europe, and looks set to dominate the world this summer as all eyes look out for THE thing to be seen in this year. Surprisingly, that thing is a rather retro number from a few centuries ago! Did I say centuries? YES I DID
The bubonic plague that swept Europe in the year 1347 AD, causing hysteria, madness malady and dramatic deaths has made a surprise comeback to be this season's hottest catwalk look. From the trendsetting Parisian catwalks where the controversial look originated to the lowly high street teenage whore market, the fashion glitterati are positively abuzz! Like bees, they are.
Get the look now then won't you
So how can VOUS achieve this much sought after look? It's easy you idiot! Here's how and why:
a) Rub yourself with a rat. It MUST be a rat. A shrew and or otter will not do and will result in a sharp call from the RSPCA. Please ignore voles too.
b) Licking a tramp can produce a varying amount of success. To be quite honest they are swimming with disease so its a bit of a lucky dip with this one.
c) Be related to Judith Chalmers.
This fashion storm is the brainchild of a M'sieu Auberge Diabolique, who has remained until now a nobody working behine the scenes in whatever the equivalent of New Look is in France, Nouveau Regard perhaps. I spoke to him yesterday through the medium of the telephone using words and pauses. He had this to say:
"I am neither apologetique or saddesque regarderons this new trend. Je am well chuffed to be perfectly Francoise, and the culling is a bon bonus tu. Nescafé?"
I am not one to claim to understand the French but I believe M'sieu Diabolique to be an honest and refreshing man with a pleasant aftertaste.
Below you will see a crudely fashioned pie chart illustrating which are the hottest things YOU should be sporting if you want to be socially accepted. Follow it you cretin I'm sick of seeing you in those bloody tracksuit bottoms. Vive la difference!