So, fake blogs are all the rage, you say? You think I'm going to let another surfire comedy train roll through town without sticking a Splush-shaped carriage on the end? Not on my watch, Jankowski!

12/03/05 - 06:21 - Barry Scott wrote:
[mood | redefining the term 'pumped' ]
[music | asia - sole survivor ]

Fellas, it is only just starting to dawn on me how truly awesome Cillit Bang really is! the Bang movement just doesn't stop rollin', world domination here I come! Good thing i've kept fastidious 'enemy' and 'friend' lists over the years so that when I am crowned king of the cleaning world i will know exactly who to smite and who to invite round to dinner parties with me and Margo who will have seen the error of her ways and married me. i might even be so famous and succesful that i wont even take her back! i'll let her stay with that cocky dickbag Gary in his semi-detached temple to poor hygiene. Lists are utterly wicked guys, i reccomend them wholeheartedly. check out this to-do list i've been writing:

• invent new line of specialised Cillit products, including (BUT NOT LIMITED TO) Cillit Contact Lens Cleaner, Cillit Deodorant, Cillit Deodorant for ladies, Cillit Fang (basically Bang in a vampire-themed bottle for stain-free halloween fun), Cillit Enema Kits, Cillit Toothpaste and so on.
• get patents on all the above.
• ask michael winner to do a cameo in the next advert, that guy is funnier than a bag of angry cats!
• buy more albums by Asia and Des'ree. definately not greatest hits albums because those are for small timers who don't know how to play ball with the big fish in the real world.
• write autobiography up to (and including) 2004 to save time in the future - time which will be better spent on my yacht with Margo and our beautiful kids, Barry Jr. and Barretta.
• contact Clive Owen regarding preliminary talks for movie version of the autobiography. Avoid casting female lead for as long as possible because Angelina Jolie will doubtless me old and rough by the time we get round to shooting this badboy.

9/03/05 - 09:40 - Barry Scott wrote:
[mood | rambunctious ]
[music | journey - lovin' touchin' squeezin' ]

OH NO YOU DI'INT YOU FROTHY COW! Yep that's right i'm talking to you: the person who is spreading foul anti-Bang propaganda with the aid of the all-too-willing BBC! And what the jeez are Reckitt Benckiser doing apologising for that shit? christ in a satchel! If you can find any fucking thing that Cillit Bang cannot remove stains from then it is the fault of the thing, not the bang. Get a new oven you filthy diseased whore then come crawling back to Barry when you find that Cillit Bang makes it good as new. I guess it would actually be new but you get my drift, slag. Oh hang on a minute I misread it. apologies, future loyal customer!


7/03/05 - 04:12 - Barry Scott wrote:
[mood | bummed out]
[music | REO speedwagon - ridin' the storm out]

it's not that Cillit Bang ain't going great because, guys, believe me - IT IS - but somehow i'm just not happy. i still remember six months ago in Dr Whiting's office when we were chatting about what had happened between me and Margo... we decided i needed to move on and find something else to fill the gap she'd left in my life. it was obvious, aside from Margo the only thing i'd ever cared for was the complete and shitting total fucking annihilation of stains on glass, metal, ceramic and even stone. maybe the doc was right about me taking too much on at onc. "Barry!" she said, "nobody can launch a new multi-surface cleaner - potent as yours is - in the Cif-dominated market in only six months!". You know, she really should have practiced what she preached when it came to positivity. anyway guys the point is i can't help feeling that i've put all my eggs in one basket, and if that basket breaks i'm going to break with it. you could say i'd be a basket case ha ha! lol!


5/03/05 - 16:09 - Barry Scott wrote:
[mood | full of beans]
[music | poison - something to believe in]

JESUS CHRIST GUYS you will NEVER guess what i dipped in a vat of Cillit Bang now! i was walking my dog Casper next to the town dump as usual when we came across this completely amazing car somebody had just left beside the bloody road. after a while i figured out that the reason the guy dumped it was rust! isn't that cute?? it's a totally pre-Cillit Bang paradigm! Well, that would be a challenge for some household cleaners (*cough* cif), but not Cillit Bang! One crane and a swimming pool full of Bang later and, well, let's just say the Suzuki Swift Owners' Club of Great Britain has one new (rather famous and sexy) member!!


2/03/05 - 01:32 - Barry Scott wrote:
[mood | totally pumped!]
[music | pat benetar - we belong]

what's up, guys? sorry i havent updated in a while but you know things have been pretty hectic (TO PUT IT MILDLY!!!) since the Cillit Bang adverts hit the airwaves! not only am i raking in some serious pennies (which i clean individually in a needlessly large vat of Cillit Bang!) but i have this overwhelming feeling that the world is just cleaner, and the common man no longer lives in fear of limescale, rust and ground-in dirt. Later guys. Oh by the way, check out the sweet website that Reckitt Benckiser cooked up! It is, in no small amount, wicked.

 

This article was reposted from Splush's old Weebl & Bob blog without his permission or knowledge. Like we care.