Intercepted E-mail

Intercepted E-mail


The following was accidentally sent to Weebl’s Stuff resident and Celebrity Outsider Joel Jessup. In an attempt to prevent any legal action towards Joel from publishing this article, I have decided to post his findings. Just you try and sue us now! More to come from Joel, I'm sure.

Date: Fri, 3 Jun 2005 16:32:21 +0100 (BST)

From: ‘Walter Santesso’ Note: address removed for legal reasons.

Subject: Bootleg beauties

To: The Tabloids, Heat, OK, and all other fine celebrity photo and gossip purveyors. Note: addresses removed for legal reasons.

It’s recently come to my attention that someone is flooding the celebrity market with hundreds of cunningly fashioned counterfeits. Although to the naked eye these may appear to be celebrities, they are often cheap imitations in that they’re not actually famous for doing anything at all. Joe Pasquale, a cheap immitation.

I suspect that this is the work of genuine celebrities using production companies to make Reality TV Shows, the number one sweatshops for these knock-offs. Shows such as Big Brother, The Farm and Celebrity Grope Peninsula. The result is hundreds of ‘celebrities’ staggering about, and our stalwart Paparazzos are stretched to the limit trying to get pictures of all of them.

If it can be proved we can’t tell a Cruise from a Cosgrave, our reputations will be in tatters and people will start buying Knitting Monthly and ‘Build Your Own Galleon’ part-works. Then comes The End Times.

As a preventative measure I present you with some guidelines:

Top tips to spot counterfeit celebrities:

  1. They’re appearing in a show with ‘Celebrity’ in the title. Doubly suspect if it’s ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ Real celebrities don’t have to point it out.
  2. They’re in a group of more than 3 other ‘celebrities’. In public real celebrities repel each other like charged particles, except at the Oscars where they have special equipment to deal with that.
  3. They’re on daytime TV or a chat-show, despite having nothing to promote. Real celebrities despise TV presenters and only appear if strongarmed by PR Departments or Child Support.
  4. When in print their name is prefaced with ‘TV’s’.
  5. Check their press release:

Appropriate phrases-

"Was in last Spielberg Movie."

"Have signed 3 album deal with Sony."

"Is in talks to publish memoirs."

Suspect phrases-

"Is brother of Sylvester Stallone."

"Has released own Tai Chi Jazzercise DVD",

"Pleasured a pig."

Rebecca, loose.Look for signs of poor quality manufacture: bright orange skin, replaced septums, tattoos that are actually Cantonese for ‘Plain Noodles’.

Appearance in a clip-show. In between the clips. Saying the most mind-numbing obvious things, like ‘Ludwig was an egg’ and ‘C3PO… a bit camp.’

TV presenters are celebrities only in the same sense that parrot ownership makes you a pirate, i.e. NOT AT ALL. How many times do I have to tell you people?J-Lo she aint.

Hopefully that should help.

Of course, it could be suggested that the reason we’re confusing counterfeits for real ones is that even supposed ‘real celebrities’ are actually just cheap copies of Bogey, Bacall and dear little Mickey Rooney. But to acknowledge that would be a Ratner of ridiculous proportions.

Just remember the three watchwords: Be pure. Be vigilant. Go get Jude Law!

Love and Kisses,

King Paparazzo.

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