I like celebrities very much and one day I am going to become one because I think it’s only fair. I like to know what my favourite ones are up to, what they are wearing and where they are eating, and I like to hear about all the scandalous things they get up to. With this in mind I decided to see who’s winning and losing in the battle for my affections.

 

 

1. Jake Shears - Jake, frontman of popular homo rockers Scissor Sisters, was in the starring role of my dream last night, which means he gets to be number one in my list of favourite people. It was very hot and heavy with lashings and lashings of ginger beard, and as such has compelled me to write to him this morning:

 

 

I hope to get a reply but I fear I shall not as he might be a bit showbiz these days, and if I got an email like that I would be checking the bushes outside my house for discarded food wrappers and sleeping equipment. Actually if I had a stalker I would probably invite them in for some Playstationing and a nice chat about what today's stalker is wearing for that all essential night-time look.

 

2. Christian Bale - I love Christian Bale for playing Batman so well and I also love him for hacking up whores into little pieces with a chainsaw while listening to Phil Collins; it’s one of the qualities I always look for when eyeing up a potential suitor.

 

3.  The Cast of The Sopranos - For making one of the best shows that has ever been on TV (besides 24) and making me break out in a crap gangstery accent whenever the mood takes me. Moider, moider I tells ya.

 

4.  Davina and Dermot - The two saviours of Big Brother. No matter how retarded or dreary the contestants may be, you can rely on these chaps being able to make even the most banal of in-house news gripping and entertaining. Dermot has single-handedly revolutionised the way I look at polo shirts and Davina has made it acceptable to look mental when you laugh, which is good because I often do. She even did an advert for hair colour and managed not to sound like a vapid moron which in my estimation is an astounding feat. Dermot can do no such commercial work as he is of the shaven variety. I would like to rub his head.

 

5.  Carol Vorderman – Poor Carol. I do feel for her at the moment. Dear old Richard Whitely died very suddenly, thus ending the British institution that is Countdown and also marking the end of one of the lovelier and endearing on screen friendships found on TV. She is a whizz with numbers, and according to the law of averages that means I don’t have to be which is a good thing as I’m shite at maths, and also she’s very daring in the wardrobe stakes. Even I wouldn’t wear rubber tubing Carol, you crumpet you.

 

 

 

1.  Chris Martin - Not only was he painfully inarticulate on Live 8 ("err support Live 8 because people errr die and um it's bad OK HERES OUR NEW SONG HURRRRRRRRRRR"), I also suspect he could eat an apple through a letterbox and frankly that terrifies me. Imagine if you will, the Coldplay Killer gnawing his way through your bedroom door while you sat in bed quivering in terror, certain that head and shoulders would separate with one deft clamping of his vice like gob. Chilling.

Also he is from down my neck of the woods and I am clearly the most talented thing to come out of there, not him.

 

2.  Madonna - I have decided to include the 'Queen of Pop' against my better homosexual urges as my friend Mister Austen asked me to after being enraged by her performance at Live 8. His reasoning is as follows: "She sang ‘Papa Don't Preach’ in a very patronising way to some poor African girl and it made me want to spew."

She nearly redeemed herself by teaching a nation of youngsters some new swear words, but no-one’s ever going to top the effortless grace of the BBC’s ‘John’s Not Mad’ on the incitement of foul mouthed playground hilarity.

 

3.  Katie Holmes - Buck up you gushy airhead, you and that gnome make me want to swallow toilet duck to get away from your boring vacuous lives. What are you doing looking out of that window Katie? Are you looking for Tom Cruise? You will have to look quite hard because he will appear to be VERY FAR AWAY even if the window was a magnifying glass which it is not because then it would probably set you on fire if the sun shone.



4. Tim Henman - Tim - if you had just said at the start of your tennis career that your main aspiration was to reach the quarter finals of every major tennis championship in the world and then drop out, I would not have placed you here, but as it is you've pissed me right off. Venus Williams is more of a man than you, you big limp-wristed hope murderer.

 

5.  Russell Crowe – Phone tossing playground bully Russell completes my 5 disliked celebs for being a rubbish old bastard. He annoys me even more because I quite fancy him a little bit and its irritating to know that my finely-honed sense of being attracted to aggressive old drunks is still working perfectly well. Have eighteen whiskeys and UNLEASH HELL! ON A RECEPTIONIST!

 

So there you go. I love celebrities and I love hating them too. But that’s what they’re there for so hush your moaning and why not let me know your favourites and not-so-favourites? It’ll be fun and you know it.