Today, while trawling through Ash's porn stockade which seems to be uploaded on to his website, we happened upon some erotic superhero literature written by Ashley himself in his formative years. Well, year. It was short but dramatic. Anyway, myself, Skoo and Ash took it upon ourselves to delve into this time capsule of smut and see how realistic the superpowers contained within actually are.
You can read Ash's original story here
And so, on with the show
Alexius, with his exceptionally small penis can pick any lock.
<skoo> A penis that can pick locks?
<skoo> Not as handy as a penis that can pick your nose.
<moog> I, for one, do not want this power.
<ash> Backed up by ginger pubes I believe.
<skoo> That’s not a super power, that’s a curse.
<moog> Being ginger is not a curse.
<skoo> Moog is ginger.
<moog> Get fucked.
<moog> Actually I am in the beard a bit.
<moog> A bit 'Edmonds' you might say.
<skoo> Chris Evans.
<moog> Not that bad.
<skoo> Do you call it "Auburn" in an attempt to disguise the ginge?
<ash> Isn't that a place?
<ash> If I were the receiver in a relationship I would want the giver to have this super power.
<moog> Wrong choice Ashley.
<moog> Anything less than four inches is agony.
<moog> Tiny penis = no bumsex
<skoo> Can’t breach the curvature of the buttock area?
<moog> It can't go up far enou--look I think this may be getting a little in depth.
<moog> Or not enough, as the case may be.
<skoo> I've not really given it much thought before, because my penis is huge like a mountain, but penis shaped.
<moog> Is it as wide at the base?
<skoo> There is girth, but not only at the base.
<skoo> Lets not talk about my penis anymore, next super power please.
<moog> Your penis is beginning to terrify me.
<moog> Ok next:
Ashtrex, has the ability to come at will coating his victims with a radioactive sperm which glues them to the floor.
<skoo> That power starts well.
<ash> I do not like this super power as it implies that I have it.
<moog> Ash, since when does radioactive mean something is sticky?
<ash> Its sticky AND radioactive.
<ash> Not that I'd know :(
<moog> No spunk for you?
<skoo> The ability to cum at the precise moment you want to, that is decent. But this whole radioactive bit worries me.
<ash> Unless you spunked too much.
<skoo> What if the sperms mutated into giants.
<ash> You’d be permanently bathing in your own spunk.
<moog> If you didn't stick your partner to the floor, you could have a massive career in porn.
<skoo> Next power
Barrence, an ex-strong man from the circus gained abilities of super strength.
<moog> I would like this.
<skoo> That’s a classic.
<moog> I would be all over myself, being all sexy.
<skoo> I bet you'd have the handlebar ‘tasche, too.
<ash> If I had it I would be running away from you in fear.
<moog> Totally, and the stripy leotard thing.
<moog> Ash why is there always the hate?
<moog> You used to be so tender with me.
<ash> I think I'd go for a Fred Flintstone look.
<skoo> You're losing me with the leotard.
<skoo> I would be strong, like a mountain.
<moog> Penis and strength like a mountain.
<moog> I'm seeing a trend skoo.
<moog> Next power.
Dante, was spliced together with a camellion giving him acceptional powers of disguise.
<skoo> I like this one.
<moog> I like the spelling.
<moog> Spelling is ash's kryptonite.
<ash> And thinking of coherent word things.
<skoo> I would disguise myself as a mountain.
<ash> This is the classic power of all school kids.
<ash> Sneaking into the girls changing rooms ^_^
<moog> Perving in the dressing room.
<moog> Tale as old as time.
<skoo> Nobody, except Switzerland, fucks with mountains.
<ash> And also the power most wanted by male P.E. teachers.
<moog> Ironically i wanted most of my PE teachers.
<moog> And my chemistry teacher.
<moog> Oh god.
<ash> Did they want you?
<moog> I think they wanted me to stop masturbating under the desk, mainly.
<skoo> This is where it all started.
<skoo> He is regressing, quick, next power.
Levis, the local alcoholic was drinking in a pub and as a result his blood was replaced with alcohol giving him paralysing breath.
<moog> I would be this one.
<skoo> Starts off as a quite harmless power.
<skoo> But you'd paralyse all your friends :(
<moog> Hey -
<moog> I work in central London.
<moog> This is the solution to overcrowding on the tube.
<skoo> I would live on a mountain to avoid paralysing my loved ones.
<moog> Your story would be so sad :/
<skoo> I bet I'd have a beard by the end of it.
<moog> It wouldn't be as lustrous as mine.
<ash> Would you have one of those awful chequered shirt things favoured by Clark Kent in Smallville?
<skoo> You and your Smallville.
<skoo> Next power.
<ash> It started again last night ^_^
Merricko’s natural condition was enhanced and externalised giving him the power to make any solid object malleable.
<skoo> This is more like it.
<moog> By object, do you mean penis?
<ash> Yes, in case there are any people that stupid, it does in fact refer to having a limp dick.
<skoo> I'd turn a mountain into a huge jelly, and eat my way through.
<moog> What flavour jelly?
<moog> You lose.
<ash> But if you had this power, you could avoid having sex with really ugly girls
<moog> I do that constantly…
<moog> I am a super hero!
<ash> Well done you!