So how do you sort out the quagmire that is daytime tv? Well, most of my days are spent trawling through hours of tepid chaff, to find the real wheaty nuggets nestling in the daytime schedule. It’s genuine work, that’s what I do. So if you’ll allow me to, let me give you Darling’s guide to daytime TV. I promise it’s worth bunking work for.
The number one choice for me during the day, mainly because of the daily show-marathons they put on. Eight hours of a programme about monkeys. It’s a winner! For me, anything that starts with the word animal, followed by anything vaguely judicial - cops, police, precinct, sheriff, bounty hunter - is always worth the full marathon . These are basically programmes about people who failed the police entrance exam, but really want to bag bads guys. And they can, if the bad guys haven’t been feeding their budgie properly. What makes me laugh about these shows is that inbetween the stories of horrific animal abuses, or stories about dogs with mange finally getting a bath and a home, the tourist boards have found a way to advertise their cities as a classy place to live. Easy for Miami Animal Police
, which shows the beautiful beaches and hot latino chicas in bikinis enjoying the surf. Not so easy for Animal Cops Detroit
, which seems to only ever show one shiny building over and over again. They should maybe just flash up a picture of Eminem. MTV
Now that MTV doesn’t really show music anymore, it can be a fairly good bet for tv to watch if you’re really suffering braindeath and need something as unchallenging as a sock. Let me run you through some of the daily choices. All Access
– a talking-heads clip show about inane subjects like ‘Young Hot Hollywood’, ‘Who’s got their Chufty out in Public’, and ‘People with Really Big Boats’. Date My Mom
– a show where mothers of young girls prostitute themselves with a random jock beefhead in order to win a date for their daughters so they in turn can prostitute themselves with Mr Beefhead. The jocks always go for the Mom with the shortest skirt in the hope that sluttiness runs in the family. Laguna Beach, the Real OC
– You have to see this to believe it. Funny because all these people ever say is ‘he was so like, hot, you know, like’. Really unfunny in the way that these people have all the advantages that money can buy, but all they care about is which buff guy to take to the prom. I’ve never seen so many ridiculous 4x4’s being driven by people who must be all of twelve. But who cares about the environment when you have great hair.
So that’s for braindeath, but what if you want something of a higher quality during the day. It used to be that Columbo
was your only bet, but not anymore. Sky One
Sky One in the UK ( I hope there’s an international equivalent) used to be the place where crap shows went to die, but with their recent aquisiton of Lost
, they’ve gone all Johnny quality potatoes. As we speak I’ve been doing a Sky One marathon of double episodes of Angel
( the series before they find Fred, but after they hook up with Lorne, the psychic Karaoke singer demon:are you intrigued now?) , followed by Bones
, the latest forensic anthropology thing, also with Boreanaz from Angel in it. The schtick? This time the anthropologist cares. This all moves onto double Stargate SG1
. Everyone’s a winner, baby. Discovery Home and Health
We move on to the property shows. These are massive in the uk, and have created their own stars. Sarah Beeny
is the queen. She’s like your tomboy friend who knows how to plumb a house, rip out a wall and do crazy paving. You can turn on Discovery Home and Health any day of the week and she’ll be there, usually pregnant and covered in plaster dust, giving good advice to complete twats who never take it and end up bankrupt and living in a shed. Whatever you need from a property show you have: bitches rubbishing people’s décor, 60 minute makeovers where hastily cut MDF is sellotaped to peoples walls, only to fall off as soon as the cameras stop rolling, and geezer builders being cockney all over your house.
Now comes the science bit. I was never very good at science, I could never understand the practical applications of things, it always felt a bit abstract and odd to me. Bring on two shows that not only show you the practical applications, but also show you how to explode a car using disposable lighters, or walk on a custard filled swimming pool. Step forward Braniac and Mythbusters.
is an excuse for two nutty special effects experts to debunk science myths while blowing things up. I think my favourite was when they tried to record sound into a picture by singing while painting. Who wouldn’t want to watch that?Braniac
is much the same, but they do a lot more testing, like testing which socks are faster, wool or polyester. To do this you lay down a sheet of slippery matt, have a healthy researcher put on some socks, and then slide him down the matt at speed. They did a simliar thing with oils, and with food stuffs. This is the best kind of science. Messy science.
Selflessly I will be watching more daytime tv for research purposes, so I can provide the most cutting edge, up to date research that Weebls’ Stuff demands. I think of it like a science project, sadly without a pool of custard to walk on. Right now, though, evening tv is starting to kick in, and I’ve accidentally got myself drawn into Scrubs
. Weebl’s Stuff is after your writing talent. If you read these articles and think ‘What’s this guff, a blind monkey with one arm could do better than this’, then get yourself, or your one armed blind monkey, to send us some stuff. We can’t put everything on the site, but if you think you’d like to have a go, just email me through my profile, and if it’s good, it’ll be on. No story ideas for Weebl and Bob though. I leave that to the boss!