Articles
Apocalypse now, if not after dinner

04

Jan
17:15

News

Apocalypse now, if not after dinner

 

One of the most famous prophets of doom of all time was Michel de Notredame, better known as Nostradamus (1503-1566). Supported by the patronage of the French queen Catherine de Médicis, he wrote numerous verses predicting the downfall of her great rival, Elizabeth I of England.

Obviously these predictions didn’t pan out and common opinion is now that he was so ambiguous in his statements that one could attribute anything you want to his hokey outbursts. Ever since his death his followers have continued to reinterpret his writings, reading into them predictions of calamitous events such as the great London fire of 1666, the rise of Adolf Hitler, the Iranian revolution of 1979, and the events of September 11, 2001. Some of his more zealous fans have even gone to the effort of penning new, more specific verses, after such events have already occurred, and attributing the ‘predictions’ to him. The crop-circle faking, foil-hat wearing tossers.

He couldn’t predict Nick and Jessica splitting up though. No-one could have seen that coming.

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The X-Factor

08

Dec
08:19

News

The X-Factor

 

Yes ladies and gentlemen, three long, gruelling months of…

  • Handing carte blanche to idiots to embarrass themselves…
  • Sharon and Louis’s tedious attempts to display ‘feisty personalities’, (hers: pissed auntie; his: nasty old queen)… 
  • Contestants telling Simon that his negative comments just make them stronger - even when he’s said nothing remotely negative to them whatsoever…
  • Kate Thornton stressing the word ‘AND’ in every bleedin’ link to camera…

…Have led to this:

THE X FACTOR SEMI-FINAL.

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More news on the Badger movie

05

Dec
07:40

News

More news on the Badger movie

 

Subject: Re: Badger Movie Treatment

To: Joel Jessup ( robotichat@hotmail.co.uk )

From: Tara Ampersand (tara@prednisolone.com)

OK Joel, here’s some of my initial thoughts on your treatment for Badger The Movie . Weebl’s notes are in italics.

  • Possible subtitle: A Brock Opera?
  • It wanted that all Badgers more elegant and more is amused and had more pleasant skin.
  • I’m nervous about Bard Boy’s inclusion. While there’s nothing entirely wrong with the idea of a woman impregnating herself with some of William Shakespeare’s preserved ’DNA’, then panic-selling the resulting son to a carnival, his existence raises a few disturbing issues. How did Shakespeare’s ‘stuff’ get trapped in amber? Did he get it on with a tree or what?
  • History needs to be more to punchier and it must not have no women in her.
  • The scene where the badgers go and gather fruit and nuts and then have a big picnic… Let’s keep the movie free of political commentary, OK?
  • What happened to Jack Freedom? You talk the character up in our first meeting and then there’s not a sign of him in the script. Ethan Hawke showed interest. Do you want to make the former Mr. Uma Thurman cry? Do you??
  • Bananas fruit plows the of the devil, they shall not be in the film in any form.
  • Do you??
  • You know that bit in Star Wars episode 1 where the red guy holds out his double lightsaber and that choir go ‘AaAaAhhhh’ or whatever? Can we have a scene like that? In fact, can all the scenes be like that?
  • Clive said that when you cut between the battle with the stoat-warlocks and the love scene between Lord Badgerington and The Spaghetti Queen, he wants to have a Batman style spinning Badger face. Put that in.
  • There are many diverse curtains of the green one in the world. They if all are in the film.

So, make script be good now!

Cuddles,
T-Amp.

 
Celebrity Hate Island

26

Nov
15:24

News

Celebrity Hate Island

 

Celebrity Hate Island

Welcome, one and all, to me island in de sun. A beautiful vista enraptures even the weariest of eyes and all that can be seen from shore to horizon is sun, sea, sand and HAAAAAAATE.

Welcome, then, to Celebrity Hate Island. From our secret underground bunker I have brought together the créme of talent in the form of Skoo, Myself, Log, Ash  and enchating front page newcomer and all-round girl, Anifer. She LITERALLY has boobs. Saying that, most of the boys do too to some degree.

I have gathered this venom-filled clan to liberate us from the bloated and fetid celebrity pool in which we flounder. We will strive to highlight for you, the most common of punters, just who is REALLY taking this piss and milking their status to the hilt. Yes I'm very well aware that even this kind of lampooning gives these halfbreed bottom feeders a degree of exposure, but you've got to break a few eggs before you can punch Kate Moss, or however the saying goes.

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Safeguarding the future of television

24

Nov
14:52

News

Safeguarding the future of television

 

If you've resorted to watching internet cartoons about talking eggs for your entertainment (hint: you have) you will no doubt agree that television has become stale. In a selfless attempt to replenish the once-great font of entertainment that is British TV, I have spent the last few years emailing the BBC and Channel 4 on a daily basis with groundbreaking new show ideas. Curiously, replies became increasingly hostile and eventually tailed off completely after the first few weeks. Fear not, I don't let that stop me. Ungrateful as they may be, I know they're listening very closely, probably all huddled around a computer feverishly refreshing their inbox for the next nugget of programming wisdom I deign to send their way.

You want proof? In early August of this year I suggested that the Channel 4 news needed spicing up, and just a couple of weeks later - bam! - hurricane Katrina puts not only black people, but poor black people all over the news. Exotic! Back in April 2004 I pointed out to the BBC that there aren't nearly enough annoying comedians presenting dancing related shows on digital-only channels, a month later - what's this? - Justin Lee Collins gets the gig fronting BBC3's companion show to Strictly Come Dancing.

That's right: they're listening. I have clout. I have influence.

Alas, despite my best efforts, these small victories are but tiny splashes in an endless sea of TV dreck. My work is still to be done, and I will not rest until we can once again be proud of British TV. Here I present a brief taster of a few of the shows I will be pitching to TV stations in the coming weeks.

Continue Reading...

 
 

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